i've got to peel the layers back and reveal what's really there. i've looked through my old journal entries and all i read is this lonely, depressed, sardonic college kid who likes to find one guy to fixate on and not shut up about. i know not many people go on my deviant art page and of the few only one may actually know me personally but what i write on here isn't who i am on a day to day basis. honestly, i'm one of the happiest people in the world. i love life. i find everything beautiful, i cry at piano music (in a good way), i love my friends and family, have everything at my fingertips if i so wish it, and appreciate both the good and bad that happen to me because the good makes life just a bit better and the bad is always a chance to learn. but i suppose this has ended up so depressed seeming because i don't really tell people when i'm upset. i hide a lot of my emotions because i'm used to hanging around with fraternity guys (mind you, these aren't the typical "frat" kids you see in colleges they're the most awesome guys i've ever met in my life: wickedly intelligent, respectful of women, fun to drink and not drink with, and really into their brotherhood) that, even though i have and will always be there for them when they need someone to talk to about their emotions, i don't feel i can go to with mine. not because they won't be there for me, i've had brothers literally sit me down and put their arms around me and tell me to please tell them what's wrong but because i am, when it comes down to it, a female in all things mental and emotional. I overanalyze, change my mind constantly, am extremely territorial and jealous, cry (a lot more than people who know me think, it's embarrassing), want the stupidest shit, text constantly and expect responses instantaneously, romanticize absolutely everything, am incredibly sensitive about the most random things, literally NEVER stop thinking, honestly really and truthfully don't know what i want when it comes to anything including my future, my relationships, and what i'm going to eat for dinner, worry consistently about my weight even though a size six isn't big at all (biggest i've ever been though - shut up self), talk to myself a lot and usually in the car, and yes i do you want you to want me.

and those little stupid things that make me female and therefore overall more attractive to guys (i know it can't be 'birthing hips' because i have absolutely nothing in the hip to ass area) but i know that when it comes down to it, most guys don't really want to hear the gory details. the problem with girls? yes, they do want to hear them but then they want to tell everyone else what they heard. i'm not trying to 'diss' women of course, i'm the same way. my friend tells me that the guy she slept with last week still hasn't called her back and she's really upset about it and suddenly i'm caught with this overwhelming urge to tell a mutual friend of ours. honestly, i think it's because women are SO much more competitive than men, usually more so emotionally than physically like men can be but think about it. why do i feel that urge to tell a mutual friend? because i want them to know that i know something they don't. therefore i'm better friends with that friend or my friends trust me more to tell me more shit about their lives. startling to think about isn't it? and it's true. maybe sometimes gossip in its forms is motivated by other things like concern for well-being or amusement but that's the root of the problem kind of truth to it.

but after that philosophical debate of weirdly epic proportions (in my opinion; i keep my philosophies to myself most of the time), as a HUGE so i was saying: i'm not only what i write on here. my art and my stupid sketched-out thoughts are not what really who i totally am. sure, it's the darker side. it's the side that i'd rather not show others for fear of rejection, but it is not who i wholly am. i mean, i'm alyssa. i'm 20. i'm rather short and rather curvy in the chest area (it's mentioned enough on a day-to-day basis i might as well write it; i mean christ, my nicknames from the guys are 'tits', 'titties', 'tits mcgee' - very original, 'sugar tits', 'jumbotron' - hatred, and on occasion when they're feeling nice 'aryssa'. i'm apt and prone to going off on tangents. i love love and it's a horrible, beautiful thing that i won't apologize for. and deep down, like Emma in "Can You Keep a Secret?", i have a conviction that i'm not like everybody else, and there's an amazingly exciting new life waiting for me just around the corner.
is this realistic? no.

but i'm sick of mulling in my self pity all the time. i'm sick of showing one face and hiding another. and i really am extremely sick of overanalyzing every stupid thing one guy does or says because my brain has fixated on the idea of always wanting someone that i can't have. and when i don't want that guy anymore? i fuck something good up to get a new one. i swear to god it's probably one of the worst cycles in the world and i know that they are a few people, who probably won't even admit to themselves, both women and men that have the same problem. why? why do we hurt ourselves like that? because having some sort of a semi-attractive villianesque old flame keeps us from going out, being ourselves, and having the possibility of getting hurt on terms that are not our own?

i constantly feel this overwhelming urge to just say everything i've ever thought about a person to his or her face because i feel like in the long run, no matter what dead pan honesty is what's going to save us all. i mean, i really am a nice person. i don't like being mean to people, i truly hate hurting people's feelings (i'm like that kid who's watching the bully beat up the nerd on the playground and hates it but at the same time doesn't step in to stop the violence) but at the same time i frequently have not absolutely pleasant thoughts about people and their actions or words about myself or others and i just hold it in. i ignore it because i'd rather be content getting along with everyone on a moderate level than having some people hate me for the honesty and others love me for it. if i walked up to pretty much anyone i know i could say probably 5-10 things off the bat that i've wanted to say and never done so. have i ended up with more people i get along with in the long run? yes, of course. how, honestly, can you strongly dislike someone who's never rude to you or speaks badly of you? though, yeah i know there are a few people out there, i'm pretty sure all female, who hate me. or hated me. either way, i've realized that the best thing that i can do is not give them the pleasure of making me feel the same. i can hate so many people. really, it's surprisingly easy to hate, which scares me sometimes. but it's so much better to not. to just let them feel that way and be civil or just ignore them kindly. it's saved me a few ass kickings, i'll be honest.

i think i'm also pushing down a lot of things when i try harder to act like a stereotypical guy. it's easier to just act like all i care about is getting my figurative dick wet, making money, and having a good time. i'm not saying that's how all guys are, obviously, i try not to make such strikingly obtuse generalizations but i think the point's kind of across. i love having totally random, usually drunken sex as much as the next guy, i do, and i love that feeling of hooking up with someone for the first time, that rush when you're trembling and you really don't know how it's going to end up; half of your mind is thinking solely about pleasure and the other half has roughly seven million questions streaming through it - it's like a high. but, even though my dad used to joke about this, i do have a somewhat fragile psyche. not in the "i'm going to go insane" sense, i'd like to think i'm relatively sane like half the time but i have so many happy and optimistic expectations and hopes for the world, and my life, and the people i know or want to know that seeing them just get cut down again and again and not really feeling like i can do anything absolutely kills me. i want everyone to be totally satisfied in their lives, and yes selfishly i more so want to be totally satisfied with mine, but i'm not naive. i know that's not possible. i guess i just got lucky in being one of the sole people in this world who believes everyone can be inherently good and usually are and that they deserve a happiness of their own.

i guess what i really want, and i'm really not just saying this, is for the people i know and care about or even those who i don't know well but maybe have already well-formed opinions of me, to just tell me. text me, email me, call me, knock on my apartment door and blurt it out, stop me on the street i don't care just tell me. i really want to know how you feel about me, why you feel that way, and if it's not a good thing how i can change it. or, if it can't be changed, what i should do to make you happier in respect to that. i mean, i'm not saying if you don't like me bitch me out for twenty minutes that's not productive but telling me listen i think you're flaky because of this or i'll never trust you again because of this.

and i don't just mean my friends really. i mean everyone. you. i want you to. even if i'm not sure who you are as you read this, i want you to do this. do it for the sake of humanity. which, yes, sounds a little melodramatic but i don't mean it that way, i mean it in the sense that humans are well, technically, supposed to be honest creatures. not so honest as say, a grizzly bear, but honest. it's ludicrous how deep into the social hole some people have gotten with how they act toward others. i mean, i'll be honest too. there are definitely a few people i could see myself writing letters to (oh! there's another option!) and just saying everything i've ever wanted to say on a few pieces of paper. because you never know, maybe finally uprooting all those petty, fickle, minute thoughts and feelings you have about people and their characters, maybe, just maybe, you'll end up starting a huge leeway into the way the world should be. how friendships can be. and maybe we'll all be a little happier, in the long run. and perhaps if we all stop being so secretive about absolutely everything, especially when we know everybody knows (by the way, that thing you think nobody knows? they do. surprise!). because, like i said, everyone's gossipy. we all love knowing things that we aren't supposed to know.

so here's me being honest right now:

- i drink a lot. probably too much but sometimes i like people knowing i drink a lot.
- i change myself constantly so that others are more likely to accept me. including sleeping around, or flirting, or whatever. i'm really not that sex-driven guys, i know it's a shocker.
- i'm actually really intelligent. i'm not trying to brag or sound superior, but in my fortes, i'm really smart. and i play stupid with guys because i'm afraid that if i'm really smart off the bat and just tell them "clearly you are trying to sleep with me, this is how i feel about it" or what have you, they'll get scared. honest women are intimidating, i know. and randomly quoting various authors in conversations? also not a turn on very often, apparently.
- i'm extremely territorial. like a freaking pit bull. and it's not because i want you, it's because i don't want someone else to have you. wrong, stupid, call it "crazy" because i know a lot of guys i hang around enjoy calling women that (and still sleep with/date/fall in love with/etc them), but that's how i am. and a lot of girls too. you know that female friend of yours who doesn't EVER get jealous? she's lying. she just hides it better than me, even.
- i tell little lies all the time. so do you, so don't judge, but i do. and i know i do. if it gets me out of something or gets me into something, i can't help it. i'm not going to tell my boss i'm fifteen minutes late because i was watching "supernanny" and didn't want to get off the couch.
- i don't think i'm attractive. i think i have attractive moments and on occasion have attractive facial expressions but overall i don't find myself attractive. so my confidence? it's all bullshit i have none.
- chances are i've thought something horrifically mean or unfair about you. i'm sorry, my brain has a mind of its own. which yes, makes no sense.
- i don't believe i'll ever find "the one". i'm not sure "the one" exists, at least with me. and i'm not saying that for pity, i'm saying in the sense that i've have legitimately the best thing ever and i threw it away and no matter how many times i try again, i will throw it away.
- yes, i cheated on my last boyfriend. more than once. and instead of being up front in the first place and saying "i have feelings for someone else" i hid it and lied and he found out from reading my text messages. and later on in our relationship, he read my diary and found out a lot more. should i have been up front in the first place and said i can't be in a committed relationship right now? yes. should i have pulled the "it's not you, it's me" thing because that's really what it is? probably. did i? no. because i'm scared. i'm terrified that if i'm honest about my confusion in a relationship then that guy is going to get the hell out of there as fast as possible because i'm flaky.
- yes, i enjoy being the other woman. i can't really apologize for it because even though i am sorry for hurting the original woman, i enjoy it too much to not do it. sorry, it's a rush to know that even though someone else has this guy's heart, or wallet, or whatever, in the end there was one night where i was good enough to beat her. and yes, that is my shitty self confidence talking. maybe one day that will go away. i hope it does.
- i am extremely and horrendously sensitive. especially about my weight and my chest. and my other little imperfections, personality-wise and physically.
- i crave social interaction like it's heroine. really, i do. and perhaps this is my over-analyzation talking but i really feel like sometimes when i text people or im them, guys at least, they think that i'm doing it because i feel something more than just friendship or the need for camaraderie. Here is a happy newsflash for you: i just want someone to talk to. have the decency to at least tell me you're busy if you don't want to talk. it won't kill me. i promise. and a note to men i've slept with that i still talk to: just because i text you doesn't mean that i a.) have feelings for you that are either in existence or blossoming and b.) want to have a threesome. really. if i wanted to have one, i would suggest it. stop asking.

(as a side note, seriously to the guys - and sadly it's getting on quite a few now which is weird - i don't want to have a threesome. it's not at the top of my sex chart. and with two men it's degrading anyway. what's wrong with regular old sex? i mean, jesus you can do forty frillion different positions that you can't do in a threesome, it's eighty times less confusing overall, and if you come first well you don't have to stand there awkwardly while the other two keep getting it on. just something to think about. maybe one day. if the mood strikes, i'll send out a freaking mass text.)

- and finally, i really don't like not knowing where i stand with someone. either you like or don't like me (as a person), you enjoy my regular company or you don't, you want to or don't want to sleep with me, and you do or don't trust me. i'm sick to absolute death of everyone deciding that being mysterious (second sidenote: you aren't) about how they feel. For example, if you find me attractive and want to sleep with me one day why the hell would that change three days later? i mean, yeah i have bad hair days like everyone else but really? And if you want to be friends and hang out and joke around and shit at one point in time why would that change depending on your friends' moods? I've lost so much closeness with someone my friends because they can't decide if they want to be my friend and hang out with. We can hang out for a solid month straight and then out of nowhere this person becomes flaky and unresponsive. It's stupid. Make time or don't. But be up front about, for christ's sake.


I've literally written everything i can think of that's been on my mind for the past two hours. i haven't slept in almost 24 hours and i'm supposed to be studying for my philosophy final on socrates and descartes that's in two hours. i'm only on meditation two of six and i still have to look at phaedo. but at least i can say now that i've been totally and completely honest here. and you know, i may post this on my facebook (yeah, roll your eyes i know i know) just to see if a.) any reads it because it's long as balls and b.) anything thinks about it and responds. hm.

i actually do have a few updates to my life that i want to add here but i'll edit them in later because i really, really need to study. if you read all this, bless your large and beautiful heart.
-alyssa.